I'm Rich, BIAAATCH!!!

Official Press Release:

Over the Thanksgiving Break, my friend Everett and I decided that we would be each other's "special someone", since neither of us has an official significant other. We both recieved plenty of well-wishes and "Happy Thanksgivings", but none from that one person that we can claim as our "own". So we signed a temporary contract that was supposed to last through Sunday that we would function as temporary significant others. Well, after plenty of negotiation, we extended the contract for a year, full benefits and exclusive rights to each other as a franchise. Can you tell Everett plays basketball? He's got me speaking in his crazy agent talk. Well here are the details:

My contract:

* 1 year, 5.5 million, 2.1 million signing bonus
* private office
* guaranteed "quality" booty at LEAST twice a week
* exclusive rights
* PDA until 35 days before my contract expires (gotta seem approachable to those interested in signing me for next season)
* Quality Time
* One mention in the blog per week

His contract:

* 1 year, 5 million, 1 million signing bonus
* Personal assistant available from 7am to 9pm
* Quality booty agreement, plus an added "love for the sake of loving" clause. (Basically, he is entitled to more booty if need be)
* added trust, friendship and honesty clauses
* exclusive rights
* less attitude from me
* PDA agreement
* one mention in the blog per week
* Quality Time
* brownies on his birthday

As you can see, we are crazy. I'm glad that nut is in my life though. But wouldn't it be great if relationships could come with a contract like athletes? That way, everyone would know what was expected of them and if anybody fucks up, you can drop them, have them return your investments and signing bonuses (whether it be time, money, clothes, love, trust...etc) and go about your business. Perhaps prenuptials are similiar but they are not in depth enough and only in effect for married couples. I bet if dating couples had to sign a one year agreement and were re-signed based on performance, fools wouldn't act so crazy. At the very least, you could squeeze 3 months of good behavior out before they know their contract is winding down. Yeah, I think that's a good idea - right up there with my girl Sommore's idea that men come with a "side effects" label.

So any guys that are interested have to now speak to my agent, as I am a signed woman. This is great, I can defer all offers to my agent. Just don't ask me who my agent is because I'm not sure I know. But I am happy with my decision to sign with Everett and I think we will have a successful year together.