I know I'm a lot of woman....

but not enough to divide the pie....



I'm trying to manifest my thoughts and it's just not coming together. I'm feeling like a jumble of emotions, like I'm in a situation that should have never occurred, but that I can't get out of easily. I'm a victim of circumstances. Caught up in a place where I can't tell myself how to feel and I'm almost afraid to do what feels right because from the outside it looks so wrong.

I thought it would be easy to cut E off. I won't lie. Not here, in my own blog.

Shit, they say start at the beginning, so that's what I will try to do.

Me and E have been talking for a little under a year. It started out as a strictly friendship thing, mainly because we didn't know each other that well and he was in a situation that had him emotionally tied up. As time went on and we grew closer, we realized that there was this real connection there. However, I don't know if I realized it before him or if it just took him a little longer to get out of his situation then he expected but I found myself reacting to him in ways I would only react to someone I was in a real relationship with (Jealousy, not wanting to hear about him with any girls - past or present, getting excited when he called). At first it scared me a bit because he lives so far away and I didn't want to be attached to someone who is hundreds of miles away. But then he revealed that he was feeling the same and I thought maybe, just maybe we could have something. But in my efforts of trying to figure out a way to work something out, it appeared that he was still attached to the other chick. So, me being me, I said "fuck it." There's no way I'm putting myself out there on some shit as risky as a long-distance relationship and there's a possibility that this other chick that he has MADD history with can pop up, say "I love you, need you and want only you in my life" and he would leave me. No way. Won't happen. Close the gates before the car rounds the corner because ain't nobody gettin in this bitch.

I started pulling away. He noticed. We discussed it and after he assured me that the other chick was no longer a factor, we attempted to regain our closeness. However, it may have been too late. Slim was in the picture and my pride and feelings were already a bit hurt.

So I attempted to put our relationship on the slim-fast diet from "going somewhere special" to "strictly platonic friends". All without telling E. Bad move. Didn't work and I ended up confusing both of us as our roles reversed. Suddenly, he was the one with all the feelings and I was the one who was caught up in this "other thing". (Although my other thing isn't nearly as deep as his. But that's neither here nor there.)

So with all the confusion, I sat down last night and decided to text E and ask him what we are really trying to do, where we are headed and what he wants.

His answer?
I want you.


In what way?
Can you be my b-a-b-y? (which is such a me and him thing to say.)
I don't know...I want us to be close but...
Just answer when you are ready.
I'll try...let me ask you a question....Do you think it's possible for us to be close as friends and not get jealous?
Hasn't worked so far....
True...is that just me?
No, we both get jealous. (damn Ariens.)

So what do I do? I mean, I've made up my mind that Slim presents too good of an opportunity to let slip away while he's right in front of me. But at the same time, I can't just throw E away like that. He's too good of a guy for me to tie him up and try to prevent him from doing his thing and that would be incredibly selfish of me to even try that while I'm all booed up with Slim.

What am I supposed to do when I want you in my world? But how can I want you for myself when I'm already someone's girl....?

Is this a case of "see ya next lifetime" (although not quite that dramatic)?

I guess I can say this:


You need to know that I've got somebody now.


You're BEAUTIFUL........


But..........



this ain't that type of party.