Now Starring....

As I sit in my desk chair, freshly peeled out of some Rocawear jeans, a grey hoodie and matching grey New Balances, eating a strawberry Edy's fruit bar (which ain't shit but a grown-up popsicle and listening to Teedra Moss, I start to wonder...

(yeah I just realized that intro doesn't have a damn thing to do with anything but so the fukk what?)

So, I may have bitten off more than I can chew. In a recent comment section, Star implied that I may be able to give up some P.I.M.P. tips since it appears that I have a stable of men. My friends who know details about my "love life" (if I can call it that), jokingly say that I have more men in my life than a little bit. When Luda's "Pimpin All Over the World" comes on, I usually proclaim to anyone that will listen that it's my theme song of the moment. However, I'm not made out for pimpin, I'm not even made out for "dating around". I'm a one man type of woman and while some view the guys in my life as actual companions, I view them more as options.

The truth of the matter is, what I have now is a few guys who like the possibility of having me in their life romantically. That's not to say that anything will happen or that I feel the same way. Shit, I guess the easiest way to discuss this would be to break down the major players in the game. So here goes.

The Cast:
(please know that this list is in no specific order...so dun trip if you're first or last.)

Mr. Young
Background Information: Warm As the Sun Dipped in Black, Number 6 of My Confessions, A Letter to My Beautiful Surprises

We met last semester, wow...that seems so crazy to think that I've only known him for less than a year. Anyways, we became really close and as time went on, he became my shoulder to lean on. He's just so easy to talk to and he's one of those people who never makes you feel as if you're being judged when you talk to them. After a few months of being "strictly friends", we grew a lot more close and our relationship developed into something that is not easily defined. However, when I stop and think about where we are going now, it seems that we have fulfilled our obligation to each other.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about people's purpose in other's lives and how someone may come into your life for a short amount of time, fulfill their purpose and then leave. Not necessarily on bad terms or because of certain circumstances but just because there is nothing else you can do for each other. I feel that way when I think about Young. It just feels like he was placed in my life to help me through a time when I really needed someone and now that I'm passed that, I'm not sure if our relationship can sustain. I don't want this to sound as if I used him, because I didn't. He is a special person in my life, I'm just not sure if he's that "special person", even if he assures me that he can be.

Slim
Background Information: Slim: Parts I & II, certain sections of Closed: Will Reopen Once Healed,and Aries:Unplugged
Most of you know the deal with Slim, so we can skip straight to the point here. And what is that exactly?

*DRUMROLL*

*pulls you closer and whispers, "I think I'm catching feelings for him...."*

Even more proof that I cannot be a pimp. Pimps don't have feelings. Say it with me now..."We don't lub dem hoes!!" *hangs my pink fedora, complete with white feather on the coat rack*

He makes me laugh. When I'm not around him, I find myself thinking about the next time I will see him. I noticed when we didn't talk for a whole day. I miss his touch. He aggravates me (which is a sign that I care, however odd that may be...if I didn't care, I'd be nonchalant and nothing about him would bother me). He says the things I wanna hear, but not in a "this negro is running game" way.

It's not infatuation because I've been there and this doesn't feel like that.

When it all comes down to it, I can see myself setting everyone else aside to be with him. And that's real.

So why don't I just do that? The whole "all the eggs in one basket" theory. I just don't know if I'm ready to place all my trust, hopes and relationship fears on one person.

E Bentley
Background Information: Number 12 and I'm Rich, Biaaaatch!
Met him last summer. We've stayed in touch, which is extremely rare for me. In the beginning, we had some GREAT conversations. It was like we could talk about anything. Maybe that was part of the problem. While we both acknowledged that if we were closer in proximity (he lives in Florida) something more than long-distance friendship may occur, the reality is that we don't. So we engaged in excellent conversation, talking about almost any and everything in our lives, including this girl he was involved with. So while I found myself growing closer and closer to him and actually entertaining the thought of a long-distance relationship, it took me a while to realize that he was stuck in this other situation that occupied not only his time but a portion of his feelings. So I pulled away, fearing that I would become emotionally attached to a guy who, at any given moment, may have dropped me for a girl he had a history with and obvious feelings for. Now ask him, and he may tell a different story, but this is my blog, my side.


Mr. 100%
Background Information: Lovers and Friends and If I Woulda Knew
Dude intrigues me....I didn't even realize I had blogged about him in December until I scoured the archives trying to find back files and that entry popped up.

I guess this is a good a time as any to give you all the update to what happened when I went over there to watch Belly.

I get over there and he pops the movie in. So we're sitting there on the couch, enjoying the movie, munching on pretzels and sippin Smirnoffs. About 20 minutes into the movie, he pulls me close to him and situates me under his arm. We chill like that for a moment and then I feel him pull away. I look up and he's leaning in, trying to kiss me. I looked at him, with his fresh braids and beautiful lips, and turned my head so that all he got was a taste of my cheekbone. With the lame ass explanation that I was "kinda in a relationship" and a gentle kiss on his cheek to soothe his bruised ego, we watched the rest of the movie with his arm around my waist. When it came time for me to go home, he walked me to my car, gave me a tight hug goodbye and promised that he would call me on his off day (Wednesday). As promised, my phone rang at around 2:00 on Wednesday. It was him, calling to give me his new cell number and seeing if we could hook up for a late lunch. I quickly rushed him off the phone with the promise that I would call him right back. I never did. He called me 4 more times that day. I never returned the calls. Today he called me. On Highway 70 and safely out of his reach, I answered the phone. He let me know that it was messed up how I played him to the left but that he wasn't mad. He said that he respected whatever I was ready to let him be in my life and that he only wanted to catch up over lunch. I actually felt kinda bad and found myself promising that I would call him this week and make sure to see him the next time I came in town.

Mr. Big
Background Information: N/A (Actually, after some further investigation, we found this: Number 4. Did you just ask yourself who the "we" was that found this information? Dun worry 'bout it...ya'll know the people that always do the background checks, the CIA, FBI, BBD, TLC, SWV and dem'...yeah, Big Brutha)

One of my best guy friends in the world. If I were to rank the men I know (excluding my family, and therefore my favorite guy in the world - my daddy) based on personality alone, he would probably top the list easily. I cannot think of a single thing that we can't talk about. All that shit that we ladies hide from guys, trying to be cute, we've discussed. He's seen me at my worst and yet he still wants to try a relationship with me. I didn't even realize that he thought about me that way until I got a little too much liquor in the system one night, dared him to show me how a certain piece of apparatus (that he wasn't born with...think about it...) enhanced a much-talked about act and he actually gave me a *cough*live demonstration*ahem*. Since that night, I've tried to play like Israel on College Hill and claim a temporary "blackout" due to alcohol consumption, but that shit didn't work.

So we exist on. Me, speaking to him on a strict friendship level, and him taking what he can get, but not so secretly wishing that we can replay that night with a few script revisions.

Oh, I guess I should explain why it will never ever ever ever ever (say it like Chris Tucker would) happen again. If you read the background, you know. But for the folks who don't utilize the secret files I've provided, here is the main point: I'm not sexually attracted to him at all. There is no "za-za-zuh" as my homegirl Carrie Bradshaw (and NO, she is not just a character played by Sarah Jessica Parker, she lives on inside of me...) would say. It's not that he's an unattractive guy, it's....damn this sounds shallow....well, look at his alias and figure it out for yourself. And for the really slow ones...(*sidelong glance at Bruhfree*), let's just say he's a LOOoOoOOoOOng way from being able to bounce quarters off his stomach...Oh, I'm so ashamed, call me shallow, go ahead..I deserve it.


So there they are, the (main) men in my life. As you can see, I have a unique relationship with each and every one of them. And while this may be a case of me trying to "have my cake and eat it too" (a STOOPID ass saying if you ask me....), I feel like Jay-Z said it best: "Love havin my cake plus eatin' it too. Shit, I got cake, what the fuck I'm 'posed to do??

Let's just hope it doesn't bite my ass back......