Turning Tricks...err..books
You may have noticed that in my profile/bio (---->) it says "Professional Shit Talker." While you may think that my rants on bad remakes, people who can't walk, and Biz Markie count as classic shit-talking, the situation in which I do the most talking is in competition, particularly during card games. Narrowing it down even more, I talk the MOST during Spades. When I was younger, I used to watch my parents, aunts and uncles play Spades with my eyes widened, just taking everything in. I laughed as my uncle stuck the card that would win the "set book" on his forehead, learned that the secret to making cards slap the table was all in the wrist, and that lying was a MUST.
When I came to my college, everyone's game of choice was bones or dominos. I quickly changed that shit. Don't get me wrong, I know the basics of dominos, but I'm not one of those people who counts all the bones and can tell you what someone is holding or what possibilities are left. Plus, math just ain't my thang, even if it is just counting below 30. So I quickly started the Spades Revolution on campus. Pretty soon after my arrival, the whole campus was playing spades. Cards were flying left and right and amateurs got sent home quick with long faces after 3 straight sets. But little did I know that the small amount trickery I learned from watching my family play would only take me so far. I quickly discovered that I wasn't just playing with liars, I wasn't just playing with cheaters, I was playing with some straight magicians! These Negros (ok, only really 2 of them, but that was enough) would pull some shit that would make Old Bootin' Billy from Boston (ok so that's not really anybody's real nickname....) look twice and say "huh?" So without further ado, here are some of the most scandalous Spades tricks (*clearing my throat**cheatmoves*ahem* excuse me...) I've seen in my almost two years up here.
Papparazzi Snap
Long live the camera phone! Ever seen someone take a picture of their whole hand and then send it to their partner? I have. Funny shit, especially when the opposing team just thinks that they are randomly checking their phones like everyone does every 15 minutes or so.
I'm Ready for Broadway!
There are some songs that are illegal during our Spades games now. Why? Read on...
One of the professional cheaters I mentioned in the prologue got a hand in which he had no diamonds. When his rookie partner started looking clueless as to what suit to play next, ol boy started straight humming the Purple One's classic tune "Diamonds and Pearls". Do-do-do-do-doom Do-do-do-do-doom do-do-do-do-doom-dum-dum... I mean, he had the opening beat down pat, the opposing team (buncha Nelly listeners, perhaps) were oblivious to the allusion. Obviously so was his partner. The freshman led with Hearts, allowing the other team to take control. All that vocal performance for nothin'.
During the Spades tournament last year (which me and my partner won *dustin off my lil imaginary trophy, poppin my collar twice and yes, Diggs, just for you, I will dust my shoulders off a few times too..), my partner was looking at me to see where he could go that would win us a book. So naturally I told him he could "find me in da club, bottle fulla bub..." After he lead with the 5 and I played the King and then the Ace next book, "In Da Club" was outlawed at the games. Sorry Fiddy.
Once again, during the tournament (2nd round, I think) diamonds were on the table. It was the first time they had been out, the first person led low and my partner, who didn't have any diamonds, looked at me quizzically, seeing if he should cut. Cue my music, DJ!!! "Choppa style, chop-chop choppa style!!! They want chop, chop! They want chop, chop!" Needless to say, he cut the book.
Liza Valentino
My Italiano gangster alias. This bitch is heartless. No, literally. This is who I turn into when I have no hearts in my hand. I adopt an accent, become inclined to call my partner "Toe-nee" or "Ma-ree-uh" and tell everybody who will listen that I am a "cold bitch." (This may or may not include shivering and hints to the temperature inside the playing area..depends on how deep in character I am that day...*big smile*)
The ole' switch-a-roo, eh?
The way we play up here, if someone wants to call a renig, they must "call" the proper book. Meaning, they have to properly identify the book on the table before it is flipped. These reggins (copyright Huny) up here have been know to switch the books faster than a professional three-card monty dealer. We especially - hell let me not absolve myself on any guilt - PEOPLE especially need to be on the lookout when WE, the CAWNS (Cheaters Association With No Shame) - start placing the books directly side-by-side.
Recycle, Man!
My school's heating and cooling systems run off of energy gained from recycled materials. We are firm believers that everything can be reused. Yes, even spades. So beware, newbies! If you see a member of CAWN rake in a book and take a little longer than usual, we are probably placing a card from our hand on top in trade for an "under the radar of amateur" spade (read:not a face card) that has an opportunity to win in the final couple of books.
There are many more tricks, but I must stop here. I'm crossing my fingers that I don't get my membership to cons...err...CAWNS revoked for revealing our classic tricks. Remember, I told you we are magicians and magicians NEVER tell the secret. However, it's too late, it's already out there. If you don't hear from me for a few weeks, contact the national headquarters of CAWNS and demand I be set free under the National Information Freedom Act (or some shit like that).
And remember....
This ain't yo grandmama's Spades! It's a new day!
posted by Liza Valentino at
2:58 AM
12 Comments:
I think Spades and it's cons are the universal language!! In the Army, folks come all over the world, but all know how to play spades!!! Nothing like watching a Heineken infused game of Spades played on the kitchen table that's been transplanted to the stoop in front of the barracks.
Nothing but STRAIGHT ghetto...at the biggest US medical facility outside the US.
In the military, when it comes to Spades...race is NOT a factor!
7:24 AM
I'm not familiar with this card game. My background is Jamaican, and my parents used to force me to play dominoes when I was a kid. In college, people are always bringing out the dominoes. It got temperarily banned but now we are covert with it. But, as soon as someone throws down a bone and damn near breaks the table in two, it gets banned again. I gave up dominoes because I stopped going to class to give some suckas six love. lol. I want to learn spades though, teach my canuck ass!
9:37 AM
spades is the shit!! that's all I have to say. I have almost lost friendships over spades games
12:53 PM
Ive seen grown men cry at a spades game...I retired my belt years ago...it still hangs above my mantel. Undisputed. I uesd to walk around with it slung over my sholder...now its hard to tpye like that...so I had it framed.
classic post.
1:55 PM
Yup U tried to pull the renig one on me tsk tsk
1:58 PM
Don't start no shit up in herre Aries. I swea fo'lawd if you ever come to New Orleans you gon find yourself in a heap of trouble. All I've done since junior year in high school is play spades, Dominoes, Bid whist and hearts. It's funny that you mention recycling. I never cheat in cards (I'm too good to have to) but my friends do and one of my friends is so good at recycling. He's a known recycler. So one day I sat behind him watching his hand to see how he does it. I swear to you I was watching him the whole time and I didn't even see him switch his card out. One minute it was the seven of diamonds the next it was the three of spades. I was like damn. This nigga is the David Blaine of cheating at cards.
2:20 PM
@ Bruh - Shit talking is MANDATORY in Spades. I don't see how people play without talking! And as far as trying to whoop me, trust me bruh - That ain't what cha want!!
@Margaret - The only difference I've noticed between Spades played by white and black people is that a lot of white folks play with the red 2s and no jokers. But hey, it's whatever, we can roll with whatever.
@Starfoxx - Aww, come to the states and we will hip you to the game. Surely your life will never be the same.
@God's Tweety - Girl, believe me, If I'm ever in the NO, we will have a tourney! I'm always ready to whoop up on folks!
@Vagitis - Losers tend to get angry, don't they?
@Apocalypse - LMAO...u are a mess!
@Shell - HUSH. I keep telling you that I wasn't cheating that game.
@ G - lol@David Blaine...that's how these dudes are up here. I'm not quite that slick, but people not down with CAWNS damn sure won't catch me!
@Rae - It's always funny to see the real shit talkers get up from the table, shake hands and laugh at the antics while the non-talkers sit in the corner sulking. lol..
4:23 PM
shit, I know the deal. I come from a family of card-playing, shit talking people. We know how to cheat... LMAO @ the cheaters with no shame comment... thats original. Anyways.... I got your message from the comments..When I get my own place thats exactly what I am gunna do @ brutha-free....
4:45 PM
Did u just post all about spades? lollllll
wow
Ok so when I was in college, spades and dominoes co-existed in harmony. You could leave one table and head to the other. Some knew how to play both, some only one or the other, and the few random colored suburbanites who knew nothing about either.
Ive won a few tournaments in my day, in spades. Im nasty at the table, watch out. But dont let me get some bones in my hands either, its over!!
11:23 PM
I know EXACTLY what Margaret is tombout! I learned from the best of the best in the barracks back in my day!
We used to do the song thing too, but someone always caught on- so that didnt last but a second. That camera phone thing is cool as hell tho! I never woulda thought of that. I may have to try the next time I play...
3:58 AM
Remind me not to play with you!
I can't cheat to save my life...
3:56 AM
Sounds like you play spades the way it was meant to be played. A spades game is the only time I let my repressed "negrocity" get out, and I've been known to get ignant with it. I've found though, that you can't always jump in on a pickup game, even with a good partner, cuz you often run into people that "Know the rules", but dont necessarily "Play spades". And it's a shame that some people don't know the difference.
12:03 PM
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