I Always Get What I Want (When I Know What That Is...) part two

Cue my soap opera music, Gian!

*smoke curls across the screen and the faces of Aries and Slim slowly come into focus...*

Today on "Analog Girl in a Digital World":

...So, as we lay there, his arms around my shoulders and my head in his "nook" (as Carrie from Sex and City calls it), we quickly realize that neither of us are watching the movie and that we should turn it off. We click off the movie and snuggle up under the covers. We start off on opposite sides of my SUPER DELUXE bed, but eventually I find my way over to him and he wraps his arm around me. We lay like that for a minute and talk. Then he said something fairly interesting and I gave him a deep stare over my shoulders. His eyes met mine for a second and then he quickly looked towards the ceiling and said "Don't be shootin' them sexy looks at me, girl..." So ya'll know I had to do it again. This time his gaze held mine and the next thing you know our lips were meeting. Ya'll know those movies kisses where two people look at one another, run across the room and suddenly they are all over each other, skirts are half up and shirt buttons are bouncin' across the floor?

Yeah...it wasn't like that.

It was a real deep, slow kiss. Like the handshake of a person you meet for the first time, but you're attracted to them and so you grip their hand firmly and hold it just a second too long? Now imagine that being a kiss....there it is.

It was nice. Passionate, but not reckless.

After a while, I felt the need to break the mood a little bit. Things were getting intense and it felt too right. (Or maybe I've just been out of service for too long). But naw, for real, I felt really good with him, comfortable, and everything was just flowing. A MAJOR plus because I hate for things to feel forced...So anyways, I get my ass up and go to the bathroom to change out of my drawstring pants because I HATE to sleep with pants on unless it is extremely cold. Now, ya'll know I couldn't find no regular shorts. I had to go get the cutest pair in my arsenal and slip into those. The ones that hit JUST below the booty, so when I walk, he can get a slight peek. Not ho-ish, just seductively cute. So I climb back in the bed and from then on he can't keep his hands to himself. I can't make it sound like it was all his fault, my hands were a-roaming too. With each and every kiss, the passion mounted and I could feel all those months of celibacy/abstinence (there's your answer, Diggs) rushing right between my thighs. Gotdammit. I finally break away from his lips, turn my back on him and tell him to try to sleep. Ya'll know he wasn't hearing that. He took one look at my back and my exposed shoulders and got to kissing. As soon as he dropped a kiss on the back of my neck, I swear I felt Niagra Falls coursing through my body. A heavy make-out session followed, but still he got no goodies. So for those of you waiting for the triple-X details (Star), sorry to disappoint. Gimme a little while and then I'll see if I can stir up some Gian-like worthy blog sex.

Here is one of my entries from right after he left:

(Notice I said ONE of my entries. Don't even try to guess how many I've written on him, I'm sure I'll divulge later.)

It was on my mind from the time he walked into my room. It was already determined that he would spend the night, and I let him know that we would be SLEEPING. From the time we laid down and he put his arm around me, it had already raced through my head hundreds of times. Ask him, ask him, my mind bugged me. Finally, after an especially long kiss, I looked him in the eyes and blurted it out - "What are you looking for?" He didn't play dumb and do the "What do you mean?" thing I expected him to do. His answer was honest (I think) and earned him points. He said he was looking for someone to be with, a girlfriend... You know what, I can't even remember the exact words, but his answer satisfied me. He basically let me know that he wasn't looking for a fuck-buddy (one thing I will NEVER be) and searching for that person who will be there with him that he can depend on. He told me the reason I figured he was all about sex (which I didn't but he thought I did because I kept reinterating how there was to be no sex of any kind in my room that night) is because we were laying right next to each other and he finds me to be sexually stimulating and it seemed like our hands couldn't stay to themselves. (which was true so I let him slide....Off the hook, not inside of me, you freaks!! lol..).

The next day, after we had been off the phone for about an hour, he sent me a text that said - "you asked me. but what are you looking for?" I quickly hit the "reply" button and poised my thumb over the keypad to type out a (shortened) list of things of what it is exactly I am looking for. 10 seconds later, I was still staring at an empty screen. I'll be damned. I'm not sure I know.

I love to be in love. I love relationships and being "someone's". But, now every time I think of relationships, I think of posession and a short happy period followed by a longer period of generally unhappiness. I'm not sure I want a boyfriend. I know I can't have a fuck buddy or a "friend with benefits" because I'm far too selfish and too inclined to get emotionally attached for that. So what in the HELL do I really want? Sometimes being single gets so lonely, but for the most part I enjoy it. And I think that's just the general "freedom" idea because I was mentally and emotionally bound for so long by someone who stifled my growth as a person.

I can ask the questions, but I'm not sure if I have the answers.

What in the hell do I want? I know I'll try my hand at a real relationship one day, but when? Is it too soon after my heartbreak to give it another go? Or has it been long enough? Will I ever truly know that I am ready to try to love again? Will I ever be able to open myself up to someone enough to even allow the possibility of love creepin' in? I'll be damned if I'm not confused. I would say I'll just go with the flow and see what happens, but I've done that before and it ends with me detaching myself emotionally and adding another name to my list of plain-old "guy-friends." I've let you in, analyze me. It's obvious that I don't know what I want, so maybe one of you all can play Dr Phil and expose my inner longing...

Sorry this sucka is SO long...it be's that way today.