Action Figures Sold Seperately

You're in the club. It's a nice night, you're having fun. The DJ throws on a song everybody knows but you. No problem, you like the beat and you keep your ass out on the dance floor. All of a sudden, the chorus kicks on and everybody starts doing the same dance move. Arms are flying, hips are twisting, fingers are in the air. You look around and try to quickly pick up on what it is everybody is doing. You look left. You look right. The people are all engaged, eyes closed, with the "this is MY song!!" look on their face. You quit trying to learn and continue to do your own dance. People start looking at you crazy like you are fucking up a video shoot by being the only one on the dance floor not doing said movement. Defeated, you begrudgingly make your way to the bar to sit and wait for the next song.


You have been ambushed! There are certain songs that REQUIRE certain movements at the proper times. Silly you. You thought you could just pick up and go out after sitting on the couch for 8 weekends in a row? No, noooo!! There are new songs with new motions that must be mastered before stepping foot into a club.

Too many months of going out and being a self-proclaimed "party girl" at school have rendered me helpless against certain songs. They hold me hostage and demand that I do the accompanying dance/motion. So here is my (off the top of my head) list of:

Songs that I MUST do the actions to (No matter how hard I try not to):

"You Don't Know Me" - T.I.
This boy looked like he was about to knock himself out in this video. Ya'll know the deal - when he says "you don't know me":
First, point outward, Second, drag ya arm across the chest/neck area and Thirdly, point to yourself. YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!

"Dirt off Ya Shoulder" - Jay-Z
Yeah, the motion may be annoying, but as soon as this song comes on niggas shoulders get linty as HELL. Brush it off...

"Lean Back" - Terror Squad
I try. I swear I do. I sit in the club, arms folded, screw face on, thinkin' "damn, is this song still getting airplay?!!?". All through the first verse and the first chorus, I'm stoic. There WILL BE NO dancing on this song. Then Remy Ma comes in...I feel my arms loosen.....my mouth starts forming the words..."we gangstas, and gangstas don't dance, we boogie...so never mind how we got in here wit' burnas and hoodies"...and then.....then....LEAN BACK NIGGA!!! DAMMIT...I feel my shoulder dip and the next thing you know I'm auditioning to be in Terror Squad. Mission Failed.

"Hotel" - Cassidy
"Six in the morning, six in the morning!!!" Don't resist. Just throw those hands in the air, one finger up on one hand and the other one flashing all five. Now flip em back and forth. Six in the morning, indeed.

"The One" - Cee-Lo
Ya'll musta forgot (c in a circle - Roy Jones. Who remembers that song??!!). This song was a banger...was it last summer? "Put ya finger in the air if you the one girl!" Shit, you besta believe my finger went up every time the chorus kicked in. Ya'll remember them ugly stupid hoes in the club who HAD to prove they were the one and threw up the finger with BOTH hands. Let's count....one finger....TWO fingerS...hmmm. It's like raising both of your hands in 2nd grade: two hands isn't gonna increase your odds. If you were gonna get called on, it will happen. If not, sit down, shut the fuck up and wait until there's another question (song) that applies to you.

"Knuck if You Buck" - Crime Mob
I know I've mentioned this before, but it's the perfect example to show how I MUST dance to my part in this song. When I was in ATL in October, Crime Mob performed at the club I was at that night. Ya girl was severely BENT on an entire bottle of Bacardi 151. I mean, I was OUT. "Cut off the lights close the curtains and pull up the covers" OUT. However, when homegirl said "I come in the club, shakin my dreds...", I hopped my ass up, shook my twists for all of 2.3 seconds and promptly passed de fuck out on the couch again. It was mandatory.

"Vivrant Thing" - Q-Tip
Ya'll remember this. Tilt ya head quickly to one side, then repeat. If you would like, you can say "Dum, Dum, DIDDAAAY!" (a la the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air")

"Tell Me" - Dru Hill
Ya'll remember this wack ass video and the wack ass dance that went with it. Them negros was bouncin around looking like some black ass overdone popcorn kernels. But I do it whenever I hear this jam.

"I'm Bad" - LL Cool J
Think back to this video. That's right....red pants...Kangol....no shirt...gold chains...yes...yes...you got it! Now there are two parts that are absolutely MANDATORY in this song. "Forget Oreos eat Cool J cookies!!!"....yes...the infamous "stomp and the crush" action....you're doing it now, aren't you? Admit it...it's ok. The second one is "I'll take a muscle-bound man and put his face in the sand...I'm BAD!!!"...Make the muscles...then take one hand and put your palm parallel to the ground, the other hand goes on the side of your head and you double over like you're so damn "bad" that it makes you sick to your stomach.

"The Butt" - EU
One of the originals. I'm convinced it's impossible to hear this song and not do the dance for it. Unless, of course, you are somewhere that makes it hard, in which case I'm SURE you will do the arm motions.

I tried not to include songs with built in dances, such as "Step in the Name of Love", "1,2 Step", anything that says "Do the A-Town stomp!", "Cha-cha Slide", "Peanut Butter and Jelly" etc... I know, I know, now you're saying, "But Aries, isn't 'da butt' a dance?" Technically, but all the songs I just mentioned cross song boundaries. If I see ANYBODY doing "da butt" on a song other than that one, best believe my right hand will be cockin' back for a full-on pimp slap.

And all my STL folks, there are no STL songs on here because we all know that we do the Mono/Chickenhead or the Stab/Shank/Pancake/Clown to every damn song by an artist from the Lou. It's just that Midwest SWWWAAANG!

Oh yeah, if want to ask me any questions click here and leave them in the comments. I'll be answering those sometime this week.