Aries - Unplugged. Version 1.0
The new softer Brutha Code posted an entry a few days ago in which he transcribed the birth of his inner "playa." In my comment to his post, I said that I wish we as humans weren't so likely to take one hurt and allow it to forever lurk in our relationships from then on out. Then I stated that I am guilty of this.
A few days ago, Slim and I had a conversation which consisted of me pissing him off and him trying not to let it show. Eventually, he just stopped talking and I said "call me back" and abruptly hung up. About 5 minutes afterwards, I felt so bad that I sent him a text that said "don't be mad with me, I didn't mean to upset you." He shot me one back that said "i'm not. you just seem like you don't like me when i'm not with you." Damn. I sent him one more that said "i'm sorry, it's just really hard for me to let people in." He told me that I just should have told him that instead of pushing him away. I agreed and we were back to normal.
In an earlier post, I mentioned that I asked Slim what it was exactly that he was looking for. What I didn't say was what I told him. After staring at my blank phone, trying to figure out the perfect text message to send to convey what I am really looking for, I finally called him up. I told him that I'm not sure what I'm looking for but that it's not a sex buddy. It's not neccessarily a "boyfriend" either, although if it ends up that way, I won't have a problem with it. I'm not looking for another platonic friend, lawd knows I have enough of them. So he eventually came to the conclusion that I'm not looking for a real relationship. I let him think that because I'm not sure if I'm concrete enough in my desires to object to his assumption.
As Gian so delicately stated, Slim's been spending a lot of nights over here. Usually Thursdays, Saturdays and a Sunday here and there. Last night he tells me that he won't be coming up here this week. So I said (extremely sarcastically, mind you), "aWWww DAYUM!" He knew I was playing, but I think it kinda bothered him because he went into this whole tirade of "you act like I don't mean anything to you." After his tangent, we had this conversation:
Slim: "I'm kinda glad that I'm not coming up there this week."
Aries: "Damn, for real?"
Slim: "Naw, not like that. Because you said you don't like guys getting too attached to you."
Aries: "And?"
Slim: "Every time I see you, I find myself getting more and more attached to you..."
Aries: "Oh.."
Slim: "Yeah, and I don't want that to happen if it's something you don't like."
Aries: *with ALL the hesitation in the world* "Oh...Ok..."
Slim: "You did say that, didn't you?"
Aries: "Uhhh..........yeah...."
Classic example of words coming back to bite you in the ass. When I said that I was referring to guys that I don't find myself feeling the same way about. I could easily tell him that, but then at the same time he might assume it's ok to get all attached and I'm not sure I want that either.
Am I afraid of committment?
Slim thinks so.
I don't.
I think I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I'm afraid of getting into another unhealthy relationship.
But I don't want to be that girl that guys are afraid to get close to.
I want Slim to be close. To get close. Slowly.
I want to have him here. I want him to sit in a chair while I straddle him and look deep in his eyes. I want to tell him that it's ok to get close to me because I'm not going to do anything to hurt him. I want to wrap my arms around his neck and have him tell me that he doesn't fear me. I want to tell him that I won't lie to him and I expect the same from him. I want him to know I have no reason to lie. I want to kiss him and for him to know that as of right now, nobody kisses me better than him. I want him to know that he's been the only guy to sleep in my bed for almost a month. I want him to know that now I sleep on the right side of the bed because it reminds me of him. I want him to get close and not be fearful that I may push him away.
But he is. He told me so.
It's a fear that I can't say is completely unwarrented. I do play him to the left. Sometimes I don't answer the phone when he calls. If my call-waiting beeps, he's usually the one to get the "lemme call you back." He'll send me a text message and I purposely won't reply until an hour and a half later. I don't know why I do it. Actually, I do. I like him. And he likes me back. And at this point there's a blinking neon sign activated in my grey matter that says "DANGER. YOU'VE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE. TURN AROUND." And although I know he is an entirely different person (from the one I last ventured down that pathway with) until I can find the source of power to unplug that damn sign, I keep pulling myself away.
posted by Liza Valentino at
11:25 AM
11 Comments:
You sound just like me. Put the defenses up (nonchalance, indifference, puposely trying to look like you ever so casually text him back an hour later) so you can protect yourself. It's very simple what you want, but it's difficult for you to let it be known without it looking like more than what it is, and putting your feelings on the line.
How do we snap out of this? Hell if I know. But I think sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and go for what you want (once you know what that is).
2:05 PM
Eventually you'll have to let the defense system down.
As for now, keep it. If he's worth it, he'll work his way through it and you'll know you can trust him. He'll appreciate you all the more, because men really do want what they can't have and they hold on to what they work to get.
My guy spent six months getting my walls down. But I think we are both better for it because I effortlessly trust his sincerity.
3:37 PM
Soulful...I don't think you should let the events of your realtionships in the past depict how you treat "every" guy that shows you interest...or else you're bound to lose him forever...and who knows, this guy might actually be a decent man. But you'll never know that fully unless you let down some of your defenses. Now don't get me wrong, sure it's ok to put up defenses (that's understandable)...b/c trust me, I've been in your shoes MANY times b/f, however at some point in your life you're going to have to let your guard down...even if you have to do it gradually, that's ok. :)
Speaking from experience, I tend to notice that when it comes to a realtionships and/or commitments...guys (most) tend move at a more faster pace (kinda like an ambitious, "go get it" attiude). When they see what they want, they know instanteousl, and just go for it. Simple as that. However, us females tend to move at a much more sloooower pace. Lord knows I have b/f, lol. But that's just us. The guy I'm with now, we dated a year and some change b/f I actually decided to commit to him. So believe me, I totally identify with you. Well hope I helped. Good luck alright girl...'cause I know this relationship thing can sometimes a bit complicating. And there are some things that relationship books just don't cover...lol. :)
4:50 PM
Let that guard down...I'll keep you posted
5:41 PM
...
7:26 PM
Very good post sista...I feel like I'm in a similar situation as Slim here. I too have strong feelings for someone who I can't get close to. But I believe that one day I will get in and show her that it is alright, that if I'm given the opportunity to stand beside her that I will never let her down. I have dealt with sistahs who have been hurt in the past and they don't want to hurt me. I felt that it is their loss and I move on, but if you really care for somebody, regardless of what they say to you, you will go through thick and thin to get who you want in life. It seems that Slim is willing to take that chance. He knows who he want and seems determined. I know you want to let this all happen slowly but you only live once. Sometimes you have to take a shot. You don't want him to give up on you, and then you'll be wondering "What If?" I have done that before and I felt really bad. I told myself not to let it happen again. I don't like when women put their past against me. It's not fair, especially when you know how good you can treat that woman. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you want to settle, then settle. If you don't want to settle, then don't, but you have to be happy with yourself in whatever decision you make.
7:33 PM
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7:34 PM
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7:34 PM
What can I say that hasn't already been said...um...there's no exact science to dating (I wish there were). U 2 seem to be doing pretty fine where ya'll are at...I STILL agree that u SHOULD take things slowly without penalizing him for the mistakes of others.
9:07 PM
@ Chevonne - yeah it may be that time to swallow my pride, we'll see...
@ Call - I hear ya. I'm trying to accomplish exactly what you did with your guy. Once you work for something, you are so much more likely to appreciate it.
@ Dayrell - I don't think past events should have anything to do with the now either. But they do and it's something that I'm working on...
I hear ya on the difference between men and women and trust me, I witnessed that tonight. They are so go-get-HERS.
@ G Cornelius - Easier said than done.
@ Rydah - You and me both should go on Dr. Phil...who do u think he would get frustrated with first? Thanks for the perspective.
@ Suezette - eh?
@ Da Original One - Thank you so much. Your perspective means a lot to me. I know it's not easy dealing with women like myself. I'll take your words into serious consideration.
@ Brutha - I do like it. And I'm working on letting him in...
@ LBoog - You hit it right on. Thanks for the words.
@ Diggs - 'Preciate it, lady.
yeah, so those defenses I've enacted may have backfired against me tonight. I'll let ya'll know...
2:16 AM
Benn on blogging vacation for a couple of days so I don't know if you'll get this but there was this one woman I was dating I really liked. Things seem to be going well and then she very abruptly let me know they were not. She was actually a little mean about it. And it hurt my feelings. Eventually we did hook up but I never felt for her what she felt for me after her initial time telling me what she did that hurt my feelings. Men don't like to get burnt.
7:29 PM
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