If I woulda knew....

"On the flip side, I find this boy occupying SO much of my thoughts. He's such an old soul, so wise beyond his years and so deep. When I look into his eyes, I see truth. Pure and plain. Every word he speaks, he believes so deeply in, and that's so sexy and appealing to me. We have the best conversations and it's crazy how attracted I am to him, yet I can leave him never having sexually touched each other and feel so FULFILLED. He makes me hot with a glance and I think he knows it..." - Feb 2004

I was 15. He was 17. The boy next door. The one my mother didn't want me talking to too long because he wore his hair in braids. Because on his side tooth there was a shiny gold. Something I normally hated but on him it worked. I had watched him play ball around the way. He was quicker than all the other dudes and yet he seemed to never break a sweat. He was fuckin' fly. If this was The Coldest Winter Ever, he would be Midnight.

Somehow, we became close. He would come over my house after school let out and we would stand on my porch for HOURS. He would wrap his arms around me, and run his hand up and down my stomach while we talked about any and everything. He was so intelligent. Talk to anyone else and they would say he was a "thug". No doubt about it, he was a city kid, but he was so far from a thug. He was that street smart guy that could hold his own. That handsome guy who seemed to be good at everything without really trying to do anything. He was that guy who didn't talk to many people, but everyone claimed to know him.

I felt privileged. On the few days when he would ride the bus, he would always sit in my seat and lay his head in my lap. I would stroke his braids or mess with his ears while casually talking to one of my girlfriends. Dudes who tried to talk to him while he was relaxing with me got hit with the grill face. That, "leave us alone" face.

With one hand on the porch railing and the other one on my stomach, he rested his chin on my shoulder and lightly gave me a kiss on the jawbone. It was the first time his lips had ever touched me. I still remember it to this day. I felt it was the right time. I gently placed my hand over his on the railing and ran my index finger over the skin between his thumb and index finger. "100%" it said. A delicate tattoo, not fancy at all. I took a deep breath and asked him what it meant. He stood quietly for a minute and finally said "You're not ready to know." Say what, say huh? Don't tell me I'm not ready to know anything! From that day on, I asked him almost every other day to tell me the meaning behind it. I figured since it was permanently etched in his skin and in such a prominent place, it had to have some significant meaning. He always dodged the question and eventually I thought back to his answer the first time I posed the question and dropped it.

___________________

I've seen him around now and then when I come home.

Tonight, I pulled in the garage and heard someone softly call my name. Knowing it couldn't be him because he doesn't live there anymore, I quickly threw up my hand in greeting and continued on into the house. I heard the person call my name again, a little louder this time. I glanced back into the darkness and heard him say "it's me..." I slowly zipped up my coat and walked down my driveway. He stood at the bottom, a cute smile on his face and a black hoodie over his Atlanta hat-capped head. We embraced, then went and sat on his car and talked about what's going on in our lives now. Lots of smiles, and a sense of familiarity you can only get with people you once shared a special bond with. He said we should go somewhere tonight and I agreed. He's not into clubs and for some reason, tonight, I didn't feel like going out anyway. He said we should just drive around and be "free spirits". Coming from anyone else, it woulda sounded corny as all hell. Someone else may have come off like a John Legend/Neo-Soul/Buppie wanna-be trying out his first attempt at spontaneity. But falling out of his lips, it sounded beautiful. I bit my lip, looked at him and told him as good as that sounded, gas is too high ($2.00 a gallon) for me to be letting him drive around being "free-spirited". He laughed, told me I was right and that he would try to find something for us to do. After a couple calls and still no luck, he said he would run to the gas station, fill up on gas, put a little air in his tire and call me on my cell. I told him that was cool, gave him a hug and walked into the house.

He called 1/2 an hour later. I had just gotten off the phone with Slim. "You in those pajamas yet?" he asked. I let him know he called just in time. Then, out of the blue:

Hey, how come you used to like me and tried to act like you didn't?
Say what? What are you talking about?...
Come on now, it's just me and you on the phone....
And I'm for real...are you serious? aww fukk it... Key words being: "I liked you..."
I see what you're saying.... but I liked you. We liked each other.
I was 15.
And I was 17. Yeah...I see what you're saying...you were the girl next door. Remember that song?
By Musiq?
Yeah...*starts singing* "If I woulda knew the girl next door woulda been you..." Man, I used to love that song.
You could relate huh? You shoulda been a little more nice to me...
I'm trying now...We still got time. And I see you're not afraid of me anymore.

He's right. Like I said, I felt privileged. He was my little prize. The older guy that everybody wanted, but nobody but me got to get close to. So...I'm going over his house. Just to watch a movie. And reminisce....

Hey, ain't nothin' wrong with that....