One Of The Boys...Sometimes

I've always tended to flock more towards males than females. But, in hanging with the opposite sex I have noticed some downfalls, particularly in instances where they tend to forget that I'm not always "one of the boys". So here is my list of:


Things that I'm not particulary interested in hearing about from the opposite sex (no matter how close we are):

1)Your Bedroom Adventures. How loud you made your girl scream. How you blew her back OUUUT!! I do not want to know about your sexual conquests. No, really I don't. I have probably thought about the way you perform in bed, and if I think you are good, I've thought about it more than once. Telling me about how good your girl has it is likely to A) make me rethink the boundaries of our "friendship", B) make me jealous(depending on my current situation), C) prompt me to think you have something to prove, D) make me think you are a jackass. Odds are you will be placed in either group C or D. Few make it into B and even fewer into category A. So by telling me about your bedroom tactics, you are more likely to make yourself appear like a jackass than a sex god. Keep the play-by-plays to yourself.

2)Old replays of your "glory" sport plays in high school. Half the people I know played sports in high school. 80 percent of those people are 10 times better in their memory than they ever really were. Those days are over. Unless you are currently still playing the same sport and a rehash of your high school days is somehow neccessary to understand something pertinent to today, save your highlights for your scrapbook. I could care less. It's boring, unless you have accompanying footage that really is amazing, then I might watch a few minutes worth.

3)Stories of how you used to be such a dog.(Especially if I know you still are) Why would you want to brag about that? I don't see ex-alcoholics running around talking about "WhOOoO, boy!!! I used to really put 'em away!!! I'm talking about two 24 packs a day!! I was the man!! So you shouldn't be running around talking about how you used to be addicted to pussy. It's not cute. It doesn't make you the man. So unless you are reflecting back on it with a more mature view and a realization that those days are not to be cherished - I don't want to hear it.

4) How you cheated on your girl. This usually results from you either a) feeling bad and wanting to justify why you did it or b) just plain old bragging. Either way, I am likely to side with the female, since, hey, I am one. Sorry.

5)How much your ass itches, etc.Yes, I can play Madden with the best of them. I love sneakers just as much as high heels. I don't bother with makeup everyday besides mascara and lip gloss. I probably have a better jump shot than you.In spite of all this, I am a girly girl in some aspects. Gross humor is one of them. Bathroom humor is funny on Chappelle. You, my friend are not Dave. Spare me the "realness" and excuse yourself. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT follow up your excusal with a detailed explanation of what you need to do. "My bad, I had to go stratch my ass/fart/doo doo/adjust my balls etc." That shit is just not cute.

6) How fat you think a girl's ass is. I am heterosexual. While I may engage in coversation with you over whether female A is prettier than female B, I will not judge her "fuckability" and factors that affect it. I also, just like you, have eyes. I can see if a girl have a unproportinate amount of flesh in one area. I however, unlike you, am not turned on by it. So while we both see the sistah who's a size 6 with a 36D chest, there is NO need for you to comment on how you would like to taste her milk. Unless you wanna hear me talk about how certain nigg@s walk like they have a two-by-four between their legs or how all my girls say dudes with bowlegs can fuck, keep your commments to yourself. Spare me and I'll do the same for you.

7) How whorish (insert female that I am cool with) is. I know she's a ho. You know she's a ho. Hell, her mama probably considered naming her Helen Octavia Edwards. That, however does not give you permission to speak ill of her in my face. Don't state the obvious, because I may just feel forced to bring up some of your friends who have been known to stick and move into anything with lungs and breasts. You may however, talk about hoes that I'm not cool with. heehee...

8)How much you could show me in the bedroom. Stop, stop, stop, stop. If I was interested in what you could do within the confines of a private domain, you would be aware. If I haven't mentioned it, neither should you. There is a slight possibility that you might make me curious and if I find out you've lied...ohh boy...Mary have mercy on you. However, the other 99.99945 percent of the time where you do not invoke my curiosity, all you do is appear to make up for shortcomings by flapping your jaws. Quality sells itself. How many Bentley commercials do you see? Because everybody knows what that shit's about.


I'm sure there are plenty more, but these are the ones off the top of my head. More may be on the way...