Am I A Bitch?

I know my last post was about my "Northern Disposition" (Thanks, X.) and how I wish that sometimes I could be a little more full of that southern hospitality, and I don't mean to harp, but I've been wondering....

Am I A Bitch?

I realize more and more each day that my number of friends is very few. And the thing is, I'm ok with that. I've never been one of those people that felt that I needed to have a WHOLE lot of people around to depend on and lean on and all that good crap. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've always had people I could call when I want to kick it, folks to go places with and have good conversations...but as far as a die hard friend? I'm seriously lacking in that department...

(SideNote - This BLANCO chick is in the computer lab with me talking on her cell phone like she is at home. I really need her to shut THE hell up so I can focus.)

Anyways, like I was saying:

I don't think I have a really GREAT friend in my life. The one chick that I call my best friend really won the title by default of: 1) there being no one else contending for the title, 2) being one of very few people I've kept around since moving to STL. Our relationship is funny. I know that she will do anything for me but we don't have that typical "best friend hugAllTheDamnTimeCallEveryday relationship that comes to mind when most people think of girls being best friends. And maybe that's ok. But maybe it's not.

I know I keep people at a certain distance. I share different aspects of my personality with many different people but seldom do I show ONE person ALL of me. I don't know why...I used to say I was afraid of someone knowing ALL about me, but I don't think that's it anymore. Maybe I've just seen so many people be hurt by those they let in really close that I choose not to let anyone in that close. But like I said, I really don't know. It's just something I do.

I can cut people off without a second thought. People that think they are really close to me usually aren't. And sometimes I just feel like certain people aren't serving their purpose anymore and I let them go. And I'm ok with that. The exception to this is if I REALLY like you. And I don't find myself REALLY liking people that often so usually it's snip snip - goodbye.

Do these add up to me being a bitch? Some people have said that it's good not to depend on people because they will almost always disappoint you. However, isn't it more human to do so? Isn't life about making connections with people? Having good times with those people? Making special memories?

I'm not lonely. I really enjoy my own company and know that if I need anything, I can look within myself and find it. And I love that about me. But sometimes I wonder how it would feel to just break down and have someone beside me to help pick up the pieces. Because right now, I can't afford to.

G.R.I.T.S

Alright...RBG is the only one who called me out. Which means either you all don't care...*sniff sniff*...or you've given up on me because of my blog vacations....*sniff sniff*....Either way I'm sad....please give me a moment to compose myself..

Ah well! I'm back. None of ya'll black behinds betta come around and be talking about.."Why I ain't linked...Damn...Aries been coming to see me for like a year and she still ain't put me up..That's that bullish..." Nope...none of that....

I have this newfound jealousy for Southern girls. Blame Erykah Badu. I just found her song - "Southern Gul" again and she made me realize that REAL...wait, let me say that again...REAL Southern girls are raised with such culture. Georgia peaches and ish...know how to be sweet with a switch of a button. Raised with hot kitchens and even if they don't cook, they probably know how to do it. Cornbread bodies and sweet accents. Down home hospitality. I've been called a bitch more times than a lil bit and I think it may be because I'm from the North. We're cold up there, literally and figuratively. You gotta be. I'm not charming....I'm funny, I'm nice when I wanna be, I'm entertaining, but I'm also very straight-forward. I'm not one of those people who will give you a sweet smile when you are acting an ass. I'm the chick that's gonna look at you like you're a disgrace to your mother's ovaries, swing my neck around and literally turn my back on you. Sometimes it's cool to be brash, but other times, I wish I had that down (south) home training that told my ignorant side to just smile and nod, smile and nod. Eh well, i am who i am...gotta be me. That's just the thought of the day.

Updating

Yes, kiss mu ass (you gotta say it like Michael Blackmon...the African dude off Comicview? Ahh yes...) I realize I need to change my links something terrible. So if you see that I don't have your name to the list and you can rightfully say "dammit, I should be there!" or "That bitch comes to see me on my blog all the time!" or some other shit along those lines, shoot me an email and let me know because I'm entirely too lazy to go through and figure it all out my damn self.

Smooches

I'm the New Kid On the Block...Again.

OK, there is one guarantee in this post:

It will be random.


- tomorrow marks my first day at my new school. I'm not excited like most people (I guess) would be, however I am ready for a fresh start. Let's see how it goes. Wish me luck.

- People are entirely too needy. We are all users. We use this girlfriend for shopping, this one for talking, this one for working out, etc etc etc. And LAWD, don't let me get started on how we use those of the opposite sex. That is a whole 'nother post. It's ok to use people, we ALL do it. Just make sure you give some to other people as well and that you don't use someone so much to the point where they question your motives.

- Once again, I think I will have a problem with my roommate. I will dig up some old entries in a few days to show you all the problems I had freshman year with my roommate because I think that this year will pose some of the same problems. Black parents and white parents MUST have two totally different "Home Training" guides. Is it too much to ask that your panties not be EVERYWHERE? On the floor, next to the sink, hanging off the shower door...? Is it too much to ask that your guests throw shit away in YOUR trash can? I don't wanna empty nobody's trash but mine and the people I have over. Is it too much to ask that you pick up your clothes after you take them off, or at least throw them on your bed? DAYUM......

- Pineapples still rock.

- Cereal is the BOMB shit when you are hungry and broke. Especially Honey Nut Cheerios.

- I'm learning not to think the worst of people because people keep surprising me and doing the right thing. Or maybe I will continue to think the worst so that way I will never be let down....HmMMm...to be continued.

- I really need to title the new spot. (Some of you know what I mean....)

- Aulelei Love's poetry is still amazingly healing. Check out the website if you don't know - sheflypaper.com

- Religion may be the most EXTENSIVE subject I've ever encountered.

- Black people are beautiful. Through all our downfalls and f%$%ed-up-ness, we are still the most beautiful people on this planet in my eyes.

- RateMyProfessor.com is awesome.


See ya next time! Updates will FINALLY be more frequent now because I am back at school and will once again have a computer in my face at almost all times of the day.

Crap List #1

I HATE packing. It sucks...

Matter of fact here is a list off the top of my head of things that suck:

- Gas Prices

- Bush (the whole DAMN family)

- The Source

- Concert Fees

- Tart Plums (nothing worse than biting into a plum, thinkin it's gonna be all sweet and gettin hit with the taste of a lemonhead)

- Breaking a nail

- R U The Girl? (I loved TLC. Still do. They entertain me everytime I see this show. However, the idea is shitty, the girls suck and the first 4 weeks have been bullshit stretched out episodes.

- People who do poetry with profit as their main motivation. (A big middle finger to you.)

- Having to pay for textbooks that you will turn in at the end of the year and get less than half your money back for.

- Ebay (I got outbid in the last 3 seconds of my auction. I felt like this dude on our cable company's commercial. Homeboy is sitting there, watching the auction, he's the highest bidder on a throwback and then suddenly, he refreshes the page (with his dial-up modem) and sees the auction's ended and he's been outbid. Bullish....I got a cable connection and STILL got outbid.)

That's all I can think of right now. I'm upset because I REALLY REALLY hate packing and everything in my room looks a mess right now....excuse while I go throw more crap into suitcases....

I'm Sensitive About My SHIT....

A recent disagreement on okayplayer has got me thinking...How responsible are artists for the works they put forth into the universe?

If you don't read the whole link...here's a synopsis of what went down:

1. Ms. Wright aka Apples aka Erykah Badu posted on okayplayer with the title F$#% the police. Apparently she said that at a recent date on the Sugar Water Festival Tour and the New York Post decided to write about it. A tad upset that her words were taken out of context (she said it after performing "Danger"), she came onto okayplayer to offer the explanation that her 45 minute set wouldn't allow her to.

2. Folks start questioning her motives. Ok, is this some publicity shit? She mentioned 3 parts of a song, did she just post this to get some ideas from us? Has she ever even lived within the rules of the GAME?

3. ONE poster called BULLSHIT and compared Badu to the ministrel character "Mantan". Said she was basically pimpin the hood for profit.

4. Others chose the ride the bandwagon and took this as their opportunity to start questining Badu on her ever-changing image.

1st - peace and light. unity. Africa. Incense. Herbal Tea. Headwraps. Ankhs. Five Percent Mathmatics. Candles.

2nd - Dreadlocked weave. Africa. Earth. Peace. For the PEOPLE.

3rd - Big ass Afro Wig. Torn Jeans. Dead Prez T-Shirts. Fuck the Police?

Is this evolution and growth? Is this her expressing her different sides? Or is she cashing in on what sells at the moment?

One thing that kept sticking out was how in the hell can she go around singing about the GAME and FUKK THA POLICE is she doesnt experience the hardships? Shouldn't her art be her life? Art is supposed to be a reflection of life, but does it have to be YOUR life? Some OKPlayers said they need to see Ms Badu out on the front lines with the likes of Sharpton and Jackson before they believe she holds "fukk the police" attitude to heart.

So if art is a reflection of life, does it always have to be the life of the creator? Why are we so quick to want "positive" artists (Jill Scott, E Badu, Mos Def, Talib Kweli...etc) to do EVERYTHING in their lyrics, when if some not so positive artist did all the shit they claimed in their lyrics, this world would be 178973 times more messed up? I know, for myself, I've written poetry about things I've never experienced, yet have watched some people go through. Is it illegal to view a situation from an outside perspective and then write from an inside perspective if you've never actually experienced it? Or are there just certain circumstances and situations that are too sensitive and if you haven't been there it looks like explotation? Ya'll gotta talk to me about this one because I'm confused. For (an extreme) example, if a white person wrote a song about being black from a first-hand perspective, they would probably be BLASTED, because living this life with generous amounts of melanin is a precious and complex experience. However, plenty of people wrote about 9/11 from a first hand experience and didn't know anybody from Jersey, let alone Penn, Ney York or DC.

So basically my questions are:

1. What situations, if any, cannot be touched by those who haven't lived through it?
2. To what extent (if any), should we hold (ALL) artists responsible for the lyrics they present as their truth?
3. If you haven't actually BEEN THERE, are you pimpin it, even if your INTENT is just to shed some light on the situation?

This is the meme that never ends.....

Ok, so i decided to do a Diggs-type move and have two blogs. Analog Girl in a Digital World will carry on as scheduled, however, those of you that have the other blog address can still visit me there as well. Over there I will be posting more personal entries, per se. So join me at both, enjoy me at one or just leave dammit!

Now onto the blog entry....


LAST...
Movie you watched: My cousin and I watched "Tears from the Sun" on Thursday.
Movie you bought : Oh my...I cannot recall. I just bought the first season of Sex and the City, can that count?
Song you listened to: Right now I'm listening to "Simply Beautiful" by the Queen. Latifah. But I guess the last song I listenED to would have to be "Otherside of the Game" by E. badu
CD you bought : Leela James - A Change is Gonna Come
CD you listened to : Live - Erykah Badu
Person you've called : Craig
Person that's called you : Nia
TV show you watched : America's Next Top Model - vh1 had a marathon

DO...
You have a crush on someone : Can't say that I do
You wish you could live somewhere else : Almost always
You believe in online dating : Nahhh...
Others find you attractive : They betta.
You want more piercings : I've played with the idea of a tongue piercing, but I dun know....
You like roller coasters : Yessir
You write in cursive or print : Both, depending on how I feel, more often a mixture of the two. (You have to see it to understand)

FOR OR AGAINST...
Long distance relationships : I'm not against them but I'm not for them either. If it works for you, more power to ya.
People : I'm for my daggone self. Everybody else is on the "maybe" list....
Gay/lesbian relationships: Whatever floats your boat, but a stick will sail my ship...catch my drift?

HAVE YOU...
Ever cried over a boy : Too many times
Ever cried over a girl : Ain't no bitch worth my tears
Ever lied to someone : Numerous times
Ever been in a fist fight : *smile*

WHAT...
Shampoo do you use : Whatever kind I grab, right now it's pink Herbal Essence(s)
Shoes do you wear : ALL kinds!!
Are you scared of : Insects, death

NUMBER...
of times I have been in love? : Once.
of times I have had my heart broken? : Repeatedly, by the same negro
of hearts I have broken? : I've been told a few, but I don't think I've broken any
of times my name has appeared in the paper? I don't count. I've been in THAT THANG though....
things in my past that I regret? : I can think of a few, but what's done is done. I'm learning that regret is a wasted emotion

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
Pretty : From the top of the longest hair on my head to the bottom of my feet.
Funny : I guess. I don't really try to be. I'm a natural nut though.
Hot : Yessir.
Friendly : Ehhh, depends on the day
Amusing : Does this look like some Bamboozeled type shit to you? I'm not here for your amusment!
Ugly : In behavior sometimes, yes
Loveable : I would sure like to think so
Caring : For certain people, extremely
Sweet : Ehhh.....
Dorky : Slightly, but I hide it WELL....

FAVORITE...
4 letter word : Mine
Actor/actress : Angelina Jolie
Cartoon : I don't watch cartoons. But if the Boondocks cartoon isn't all kinds of shitty, it will be my fav.
Cereal : Frosted Flakes
Chewing gum : Polar Ice Extra
Color(s) : Green, grey, black, pink and brown
Day of the week : Saturday
Least fave day : I love all the days I get to live
Flower : I used to say white roses, but it's been so long since I've gotten any, or seen some that I don't know anymore
Jelly flavor : I'm not really a jelly kinda girl
Jewelry : My diamond ring
Summer/Winter : Ugh....both extremes....I don't know. There are things I love about both and the Cleveland girl in me will NOT allow me to say summer....

WHO LAST...
Slept in your bed : Me
Saw you cry : Can't recall
Made you cry : Slim almost did, but since that doesn't count...I can't really remember
Yelled at you : Can't remember
Sent you an email: Anton

HAVE YOU EVER...
Said "I love you" and meant it? : With everything I have inside
Kept a secret from everyone : Yes
Cried during a movie : OMG, plenty of times. I'm such a damn sap now it makes NO sense...Green Mile, Titanic, Sometimes in April, Love Actually, Eve's Bayou....etc etc
Planned your week based on the TV: not a whole damn week...maybe an hour or two...ok, a day...but never a damn week!
Been backstage : I'm backstage all the time in my mind
Been to New York : Yes
Been to California : Naw son
Hawaii : Nope
China : Nuh uh
Canada : when i was two, but does that really count?
Europe : eh eh
Asia : No
South America : Nope
Africa : In spirit. My body will reach the soil of Africa one day
What time is it now? : 1:35 am

This or That?..
Apples or bananas? : Apples...
Blue or red? : Country ass colors....blue
Walmart or Target? : Target
Spring or Fall? : Both...naww, spring....that's my birth season and I LOVE the rain....

What are you gonna do after you finish this? : lie in my bed, play guitar and then sleep
Was the last meal you ate? : Eh? WHAT was the last meal I ate? Lunch/Dinner at about 3pm
Are you bored? : Naw, I got wild things running through my mind right now.
Last noise you heard? : Queen Latifah and Al Green singing
Last smell you sniffed? : My pineapple air freshener in my car...aHhHh

Friendship/Love...
Do you believe in love at first sight? : HELL to the NAW
Do you want children one day & if so, how many? : Yeah, but I wish them suckas could just pop out without the weight gain or pain...dammit Eve!!!
Most important thing to you in a friendship is : Loyalty

Other Info ...
Do you speak any other languages? : a little Español, various Swahilli words
Last book you read? : I'm reading the Prisoner's Wife by asha bandele
Thing in your bedroom you like? : My laptop
Your Nickname(s) : Dia, Lizbeth
Initials : AEY, kid!
How old do you look? : 20, I think.....
How old do you act? : depends on the situation....
Glasses/Contacts : Contacts
Braces : Never
Do you have any pets? : If you count my kid sister...nah...just kidding
You get embarrassed : Hardly ever
What makes you happy? : Children, Music, Good poetry from the soul
What upsets you? : Lotsa shit...too much to list here

Finish the sentence...
I Love to... write a poem that makes me feel purged
I Miss... sitting in my dorm window and making fun of folks
I Am Annoyed by... people who think they know me...jealous folks that claim to love you
I Want to be... a more peaceful person
I Would Never...shit...i can't think of anything...is that bad or good?
I Am Tired of... disrespectful people who don't bow down before me! Don't they know I'm royalty??
I Will Always... LOVE YOOOOOUUUUUU!! *pats self on back* dammit, I sound just like whitney! Say I don't!



Damn, that thang was long! I stole it from sunnchine. she's got a new spot, but i'm too lazy to link. head to "the essence of..." and find her that way. peace and light to all ya'll. it's 2 am and i'm going to bed. this was something to get me back in the swing of typin and bloggin....no more promises of returns, i'm just gonna come back on dat ass!